Not feeling it

You meet a girl. You go on a date. It went, you think, pretty well. And then she says she didn't feel a thing. At best it's confusing, at worst you start to question your sanity. 

The above happened to me, in what was my first great date in a long time. To be fair I was shooting high. She is a doctor, I'm a professional liar (read: journalist. I'm not really a liar. Was that a lie?). She played along though. She brought some game. I brought a huge amount of game. More game than I realised I had. And still... Nothing.

It's still pretty confusing. We didn't have an awkward moment. We laughed all night. I censored myself from swearing once; You don't know how hard that is for me. She was pretty, I was presentable. She didn't feel the chemistry, which is odd considering we had an encyclopaedic amount to talk about. 

I wouldn't necessarily have cared had I felt the same way. I'm not a guy who tends to feel that spark instantly. For me, it takes a couple of dates before I know exactly how I feel. Maybe I'm the exception, although I think I am the rule. I think it's a bit Disney to expect that spark. Sure it can happen, but that must be a one in a million shot. And I don't want to be hitting a million different dates. 

Being told you need to feel an instant spark is reducing people's patience in the whole dating institution. And exactly how long does that spark last? Is the fuse lit with vodka? 

When a girl says she doesn't 'feel any chemistry' it has to be down to looks, which is no bad thing. I won't deny that should I not have found her physically appealing I might have pulled the ripcord. And so I do not begrudge her that. It still doesn't stop me from befuddling myself over the night. 

There were some positive lessons out of the whole night. Another, positive, date under the belt is only a good thing. You have to be like a boxer. This is all training for the big fight. These dates are just the sparring partners. Some are complete amateurs who will shit the bed at the sign of your first jab. Others will end up being better than you, a future prospect for a prize far higher than you can offer. I'm jabbing, I'm swinging, and I'm keeping my footwork nimble. 

The other positive lesson was that I now know I can drink a quarter bottle of rum before a date without it impairing my performance. I probably will not repeat that though. It's very bad form of me to have done that, and I do not excuse myself. No one wants to go out with a drunk, even if they had sobered up sufficiently enough to knock back a few more cocktails during the date. 

Nailing down the next date is proving a kicker. I'm hoping to line up one after the other but it's just not happening. To keep up the momentum you need a better strike rate of one a month. Even if they are batshit crazy, you need to practice that one-two combination. 

Dating a clown

What do you want in a person? How much have you thought about it? 

Perhaps they need to be cute. Maybe they should be able recite the entire back catalogue of Fleetwood Mac. Whatever it is, do you want your date to entertain you?

That is the sense I'm getting from everyone who uses online dating. Almost every single profile I've read has made a very specific demand, to make them laugh. You have to be funny. Now, to me, that's a pretty tall specific order. 

Just thinking about the comedy scene there are umpteen genres of live comedy. From observational to racist, and everything in-between. Without getting to know someone, how do you know they will make you laugh, or indeed you will make them laugh? 

What if you're more Frasier funny, and your date was expecting King of Queens funny? There's no coming back from a corked merlot joke.

We all think we're funny in our own way, but even I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. No everyone wants to make abortion jokes to your newly pregnant friend. 

It's OK. She found them funny, I think. We're still talking on a semi-regular basis. 

A more important point to all this is just how self-absorbed do you have to be to demand entertainment? A date is a two-way thing. You need to bounce off each other, entertain each other. Otherwise go to a stand-up show by yourself. That's what I do. It's a sad lonely existence, but for an hour every night I can laugh.

I don't make any demands. I don't expect anything from you. Maybe I should demand things. Maybe it's time to bring out the list of expectations. Is that where I'm going wrong? 

A man's man?

'I like to be treated like a princess! Like a man who knows how to be a man...'

During my, now slightly longer than previous, time on online dating platforms I've come across a number of unbelievable statements. 

The above quote is a prime example. When someone would like to be treated like a 'princess' is that in the Diana way, or the Princess Barbie way? In either case, they'll be covered in cum, and end up being shovelled out of the crumpled wreckage of regret. 

It's you. Not me

What do you do what you start to believe you're nobodies idea of attractive. I've started to come to that realisation since joining the world of online dating.
I was always under the (false) impression that when I turned it on, I had game. Thinking you have game is different to thinking you're a stud.

Never have I thought of myself as 'attractive'. Indeed I figured I was average. One girlfriend, unkindly, said to me "You're not the sort of guy a girl would look at twice." 

A sickness

I pretty much despise what I've become. This year wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. 

You put some serious effort into dating, you go out with a couple of people a month, you see what happens. So why is it that my dating life is pretty much the same as when I didn't give a shit? 

I spend my nights, when I'm at home, constantly refreshing the dating sites I've signed up to. 

Competition

How do you stand out from the crowd?

I remember watching an abhorrent TV show called The Pick-up Artist. Yes, it's as disgusting as it sounds.

The 'lead' 'artist' (read: prick) talked about doing something called 'peacocking'. This does not mean covering your groin in colourful feathers, prancing around bars, hoping, just hoping, for one girl to like your feathers.

No. Peacocking is when a man - usually a man - does something to stand out, to show he's the lad you ladies want let violate you.

Early warning signs: A date

Nothing to say

I knew this date would be a clusterfuck. I knew this really wasn't something I should do, but I need something to kickstart the year. I indulged in self-harm, and as usual, I got what I deserved.

I started to talk to a girl on PoF and well she seemed fine if a bit boring. She never really had much to say. I figured perhaps she was just someone who is better in person, and that's no bad thing. 

We spent a couple of weeks talking that way, or at least chitchatting about nothing at all. I didn't learn too much about her and she didn't ask much about me. It was everyday 'hello' 'what's going on', things so inane you'd need to wash your brain out with Listerine. 

Just tell me

Tell me what you want. Just say it. I'm a big boy. I can take it.
That's the plea. That's the hope. Will it happen?
What am I talking about?
If you've dated online, or are dating online, you'll be familiar with the problem that there are people who do not bother to fill in the self-description portion of their profiles, or indeed lie to fucking death.
I think we need to be honest with each other. If you are indeed looking for that love of your life, why lie?
Here's the 'About Me' section from a girl I messaged. Of those who fill these things out, her's was quite typical:

I can be quite shy at first but once you get to know me you'll wish I was shy again. I have caught the travelling bug and will be off to Mount Everest in a matter of weeks eek!!!!

I love listening to music and socialising, going out to dinner, theatre shows, cinema. In all honesty, I am not keen on going clubbing but then again I can't turn down a few drinks.

Goal in life is to explore the world more and participate in a triathalon!

Get in touch if you want to know more.

Nothing Earth-shattering, nothing particularly revealing, but she gives a few things away someone who is interested in her can latch onto and find common ground.

Maybe the person has gone to Nepal before, maybe they are going. How about films? Maybe they are a film buff and have advanced tickets to see the latest blockbuster. Or how about the theatre? You've just scored tickets to see Book of Mormon and an invite to the aftershow? Fucking A.
So you give her those. You explain how you share these things in common, and maybe you could go on a date and see what else you have in common.
Nothing wrong there, right?
Well what if they don't message you back.
That's weird. That's odd.

A lot of these dating sites let you know when someone has been looking at your profile, so you know they have seen what you're about. So why the no reply?
Did you talk too much about the theatre? She said she likes the theatre.
How about travelling? Maybe she's a five star girl and you're a roughing it on the trail guy.
Do you see the problem? We airbrush ourselves to an extent that we are no longer portraying ourselves. We bring out the very best, most exciting parts, and when someone comes along and matches some of those, you suddenly realise you actually want something far different.
Be honest. Do you want a 6ft, stunning doctor? Say it. Fuck anyone who doesn't like that.
Set out your stall and be truthful to yourself and everyone else.
The biggest cliché I've seen, from either gender, is to say that they are looking for that nice someone who they can love back, yada yada yada.
So you don't care if they work as a cashier at Lidl? Or how about they have alopecia, and are as smooth as a seal?
We're all in the same boat. We're all single and looking for someone. Maybe we should all put our cards on the table and help everyone else navigate this sickening world of self-destruction. 
I'll be honest with you. You can't cook? You hate cooking? Well fuck you. Good luck with your life, but honestly I love to cook. I love food. If I can't share that with you, maybe you're not the one for me. 
You can only travel from air conditioned palace to air conditioned SUV? Fuck you very much. I grab my rucksack and walk out there, and experience travelling. I don't need silk sheets and spa breaks. 
You hate going to the theatre and couldn't picture sitting on the front row of a comedy show? You'll hate me. That's what I do, that's what I love. 
How easy was that? We could all be that honest, and we'd all be better for it.  

Binary dating, the downfall of society

I've been trying online dating for a couple of weeks now and I've discovered this is what's wrong with society.
I was a pretty reluctant participant to be fair. I'd always assumed online dating was filled with people looking for hook-ups, or those that were damaged. That's not meant as an insult, but a simple statement of fact.
Having lurked for a couple of weeks on various sites, checking to see who uses the site I plumped for Plenty of Fish (PoF). Firstly it's free, so it felt like less of a risk to me. Secondly, there seemed an abundance of Indian women.
I initially discounted the more traditional Shaadi.com for the reason it's quite traditional. It's the site your parents would use had they had access to it when they were looking for a partner.

No talking

Image by Rita Banerji, Flickr.com

January is the month singletons resolve to kick their arses in gear and sign up to a variety of singles sites.
That makes sense because well it's pretty much what's going on with me. I've yet to sign up to any clubs, websites and such but I've decided going to see comedy on my own is getting quite old.